"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Dick Gregory
LAUGHTER HEALS FOUNDATION
Is A Project of Community Partners ® A Nonprofit 501(c)(3) Organization
LH NEWSLETTER
UPCOMING EVENTS
CALL FOR DETAILS (818) 385-0652
Jokes and Funny Stories
Twisted
NEW JERSEY HUNTERS
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?'"
The operator says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.'"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what? "
THE TICKET
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
NURSING HOME
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she is going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me Ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. And again the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me Ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says,"Oh No, Not the Breathalyzer Test Again.
The Camel Condom
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is,after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
