"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Dick Gregory
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Jokes and Funny Stories
Ethnic
SHOITE
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's win over Scotland (at last) at Murrayfield.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite,Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to he door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus. I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If I can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
THE BUTLER
An English Jewish couple won twenty million pounds on the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent
mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material
wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very
British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival,
they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they
were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do
some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the
butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the
table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing
the Blintzes and the Knishes."
TALKING ITALIAN STYLE
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other? A speech impediment.
THE BEARS
A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives
studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year, they petitioned their
respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these
wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NYC and
then out West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and
were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too
dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally, the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each
and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two
scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists'
camp completely ravaged, but with no sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trails of a male and a female bear. They found the
female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten
the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach, but only found the
remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't
you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
