"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Dick Gregory
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Jokes and Funny Stories
Comedy Quotes
WORLD GONE CRAZY
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named, "Bush", "Dick", and "Colon". Need I say more?"
-Chris Rock
SECRETS TO A LONG MARRIAGE
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Florida and mine is in Wisconsin.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go on our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!! " she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Remember....
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"... I said, 'Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
-Henry Youngman
