"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Dick Gregory
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Jokes and Funny Stories
Battle of the Sexes
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. *Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And a woman's gotta do what he can't.
ONE LINERS
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the
dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
THE GUY'S SIDE
The Guy's Side:
Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! (Please note … these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like theVictoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sex , the shotgun formation, sex, or monster trucks, sex and sex.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
MORE MALE TRANSLATIONS
More Male translations
"I'm going fishing." Really means
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It's a guy thing." Really means
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Woman driver." Really means
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means
"I've just spent out last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"Uh huh." "Sure, honey." Or "Yes, dear." Really means
Absolutely nothing, it's a conditioned response like Pavlov's Dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"It's a really good movie." Really means
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear or Pamela Anderson."
"You expect too much of me." Really means
"You want me to stay awake."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"That's women's work." Really means
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"That's interesting dear." Really means
"Are you still talking?"
